Life’s a Beach With Global Warming 

All of these experts are so down about climate change. The earth is heating up. Sea levels are rising. Donald Trump is dancing. But are these things really so bad?

For those who live in northern climes, a warm winter will reduce heating bills and keep the pool open longer. Think of the parties you can have in the middle of November! Canonball! For those lucky enough to live slightly uphill and across the street from oceanfront property, in a decade or less you’ll soon have your own ocean-front property and can use your boastful ‘beachside’ neighbor’s roof as a dock. 

Some of this is already happening. The New York Times reports that ‘sunny day’ ocean tidal floods are becoming a regular occurrence. But how much blame can we really assign to ‘carbon dioxide’ when the moon is partially (if not completely) at fault? 

Have you ever looked at the moon through a toilet paper roll telescope? Then you’d see it was laughing at people who live right next to the ocean. You’d see that mean old moon giggling at the trees near the ocean that aren’t saltwater tolerant. If you’re a tree that can’t deal with saltwater, that’s your fault for growing so close to the beach! As for the freshwater wells ‘poisoned’ by ocean water, how can that really be that bad? If you should own one of these wells, congratulations. You now have the ability to spray your popcorn with a salty mist. 

Global warming and climate change are not all that terrible. For millions of people who live in coastal cities these events herald the beginning  of ‘take your boat to work day’, and ‘slowly and helplessly drown in your own bed because you’re too lazy to set the alarm clock’. For others further inland it’s the beauty and wonder of watching your planet turn into Mars or Venus. 

How can you contribute? Burn stuff. Tires, oil fields, trees. Every little bit helps! Drive all over and coal-roll every chance you get. Together we can make climate change a reality and let the beach come to us next Labor Day weekend!

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